film & game reviews, the retro way.
B1 Games Inc
So I'm walking around a store when I find...
24: THE DVD BOARD GAME
I lol, dig into my pocket for two, yes TWO, coins (like it's the 1500's) and buy this potential lost treasure heartily.
Oh it looked beautiful. This being a DVD board game and not, you know, a game, I had my doubts as to whether this would actually be a good purchase or a huge mistake. But, you know what? Jack Bauer was there! His face right on the cover, comforting me. Whispering softly to me: "It's ok, kid. Remember that London-set season of 24? I made that crap kinda work so there's no goddamn way I'm gonna let some cheap-ass DVD board game get the better of me!".
But then I played the game.
I played the game and found there was really only one thing wrong with it:
IT DOESN'T WORK.
*This DVD board game takes place between the hours of this game is garbage.*
Now, don't misunderstand: I don't mean that the game is broken so I couldn't play it. No. The game is broken in that it is actually, fully, unmistakably unplayable. Which is a shame because it starts off rather well. You've got your cool CTU-approved board, a briefing by Jack Bauer himself (*squeeee*) with 3 promising missions to choose from and our favourite countdown from the show.
You finally start playing and soon realize that this isn't so much a "DVD board game" as it is... just a DVD. The board is absolutely useless, a complete waste of wood and space. You've got these so-called clue cards that can come in handy during the course of the play but, frankly, you can get through the game easily without them (if the game worked, that is). You've also got pictures of various locations and pawns with random agent names on them. That's 4 of them in case you want to play a prank on 3 other 24 fans you hate, for some reason.
I don't see where the board fits into the game at all. I really don't.
But ok, fine. So you start playing these mini games as the clock ticks down to zero and you start picking up clues. Some of the mini games are blindingly easy like guessing a word with only two letters missing. Some are just awkward and others are... IMPOSSIBLE. And I don't mean impossible in that I suck and should play a bit better. No, I've checked: certain games in this can only be won by experimenting with your DVD remote or tapping every key on your laptop keyboard and hoping for the best. And, even then, some mini games are just broken and you will never beat them.
One game has you following this car and you can't let it get away. You are told to press the arrows on your DVD remote accordingly. Simple enough, right? Cut to: footage of one car following another. Push ANY button: you lose. DON'T press any button: you get to the end, your car stops in front of his, you've clearly caught him. But no. YOU LOSE.
Then you have to hear Jack Bauer himself tell you how much you suck.
And that's just one example. Loads of other mini games fail just as bad and, since you need to find those clues before gaining access to other location, you are royally screwed.
Who designed this? Victor Drazen?
Damn you, Dennis Hopper with a bad Russian accent!
How could you?
Anyway feel free to try it yourself: get some people you secretly despise to come over, act like you LOVE the game and make up some rubbish about there being a secret 24 episode if you complete the game, then just sit back and enjoy the ride. Watch as your friends turn on the game, then each other, then Kiefer Sutherland, and finally you. But you'd already have implanted microchips inside each of them so nothing to worry about: just press the red button inside your tie and turn them into raisins.
Overall, I'd say avoid this game at all costs. Especially if you're a fan of 24.
A game isn't a game if you can never win it: it's a curse.