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So I watched Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens and, let me tell ya...

This is not the Wars you're looking for.

For one thing, the title makes no sense when you're actually watching the movie. The "Force" Awakens? The Force is not mentioned once during the entire film! I distinctly remember the Force being mentioned at least four times in the original sexylogy. 

Maybe five.

And as for the "Awakens", the only way that makes any sense at all is by linking the main actor, whatever his name is, who looks a heck of a lot like Robin Williams, to a film starring the iconic comedian himself called Awakenings. Then again, this movie has nothing to do with that other movie so, again, we find ourselves in a pickle. 

The droids are all wrong.

They're too blocky and they look too much like plastic robots. Now I understand that J.J. Abrams (Felicity) was very keen to go "old school" and use "practical" effects as much as possible but this really is pushing it. The galaxy has never witnessed a droid as fake-looking as this, believe me. To add to insult, the fake-looking lead droid, who bears the bulk of the plot here, eventually becomes human! I mean... is it me or is that completely ridiculous?! 

He even gets a penis put in, for crying out loud!

What gives, Disney?

I thought this was for kids!

Another irritating thing about the film is how IT NEVER SHOWS SPACE.

It's like space isn't there!

The entire thing is set on Earth in like 2005: no Chewbacca, no Yoda, no space.

And where is Harrison Ford? I swear he was supposed to be in this. Unless he looks exactly like Sam Neill, I didn't see him at all! Maybe they tried to CGI him younger and it backfired somehow, I don't know. All I do know is that this movie was even more baffling than the Star Wars Holiday Special. Oh sure, it was admittedly a film but how is it Star Wars when not ONE laser beam or lightsaber appears on-screen?

I am thoroughly disappointed.

I guess I should have known from the trailer:


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