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3/19/12

24: THE DVD BOARD GAME - REVIEW


So I'm walking around a store when I find...

24: THE DVD BOARD GAME

I lol, dig in my pocket for two, yes TWO, coins (like it's the 1500's) and buy that shit heartily.

Oh it looked beautiful. Being a DVD board game I had my doubts, of course, but Jack Bauer was there, his face right on the cover, comforting me and I knew everything was gonna be aaaaalright...

After playing the game, really I found there was only one thing wrong with it:

IT DOESN'T WORK!!!

Yeah.

*This DVD board game takes place between the hours of my balls and my ass*

Now I don't mean that the game is broken and I couldn't play it. No. The game is broken in that it is actually unplayable. Which is a shame because it all starts rather well! You've got your cool CTU-approved board, a briefing by Jack Bauer himself (*squeeee*) with 3 promising missions to choose from and our favourite countdown from the show!

*tick dumm*

0:01:00

*tick dumm*

0:00:59

Then you start playing and soon realise that this isn't so much a DVD board game as it is... just a DVD game. The board is absolutely useless, a waste of space. You've got these clue cards which can come in handy (debatable) during the course of the play but frankly you could get through the game easily without them (if the game worked, that is), you've got pictures of various locations (?) and pawns with random agent names on 'em, that's 4 of them in case you want to play a prank on 3 other 24 fans.

I don't see where the board fits into the game at all. I really don't.

But ok, you start playing these mini games as the clock ticks down to 0 and you start picking up clues. Some of the mini games are blindingly easy (Guess the word: SH*TB*G), some are just awkward and others are... IMPOSSIBLE. And I don't mean impossible in that I suck and should play a bit better. No, I've checked: certain games in this can only be won by experimenting with your DVD remote or tapping every key on your laptop keyboard and hoping for the best. And even then, some are just broken and you will never beat them.

EVER.

One game has you pursuing this car, you're meant to follow it and not let it get away. You are told to press the arrows on your DVD remote accordingly. Simple enough, right? Cut to footage of one car following another. Push ANY button: you lose. DON'T press any button: you get to the end, your car stops in front of his, you've clearly caught him. But no. YOU LOSE. Why?! Then you have to hear Jack Bauer tell you how much you suck.

*gulp*

NO! Your game sucks, Jack. YOUR game!

And that's just one example, loads of other mini games fuck up just as bad and since you need to find those clues before gaining access to other locations. You're f***ed! Royally f***ed.

Who designed this? Victor Drazen?

(obscure 24 reference)

Try it yourself: get some people to come down, act like you LOVE the game and make up some bullshit about there being a secret 24 episode if you complete the game and just sit back and enjoy the ride. Watch as your friends stab themselves in the neck, rape Kiefer Sutherland's face on the box cover and shove those clue cards up their butts. It's great.

On the whole, avoid at all costs. Especially if you're a fan of 24.

A game isn't a game if you can never win it: it's a CURSE.

Remember that.

*tick dumm*

0:00:01

*tick dumm*

0:00:00

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